i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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