upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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