The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize