I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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