Umm I'm too high to move.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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