so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
