I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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