At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
