i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
