Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
