Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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