hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone signed my nipple.
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