Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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