Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
