Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
