Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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