I want to stick my p in your. b.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
