Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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