his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
