The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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