I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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