I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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