Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
