sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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