Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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