A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize