The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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