I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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