is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So vagazzling was a success
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
