so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
