I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
