It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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