i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
