Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
