the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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