omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
