she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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