I accidentally had phone sex last night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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