the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
