even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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