Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
