I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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