He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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