Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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