Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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