i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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