I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
