theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
