Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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