Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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