Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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