I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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