Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
